ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?


The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. ( OMG )

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Source:  Forwarded Email

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Saudis?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch.
But I had a problem. I didn’t know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters.

It pays to know your customer..!!!!!!

First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.  
Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola.  
Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed.  

And then these posters were pasted all over the place.

“The hell it should have!” said the salesman.
“No one told me they read from right to left!“ 

Source: forwarded email. I do not claim ownership of this. If you happen to be the owner or creator of this , please do drop me a note , will be happy to amend the source

            ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

            SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

            TO SEE HER TICKET.
            SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

            CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
            THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M

            GOING TO  TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

            THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

            BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

            ECONOMY, AND WON’T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

            THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

            EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

            SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

            THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M

            GOING TO  TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”

            THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

            HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

            THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON.

            THE PILOT SAYS, “YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL

            HANDLE THIS, I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.”

            HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

            AND SHE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY.” AND GETS UP AND GOES

            BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

            ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

            ANY FUSS.
            “I TOLD HER, “FIRST CLASS ISN’T GOING TO  TORONTO “.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:”It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said:”Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

“You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” Sardar replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.” And what is your second wish?” the Sheik asked.

Sardar smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!

“SINGH IS KING”…..”

“A VERY SMART SARDARJI”

Source – Forwarded email. If you claim to be the author, please drop a note, will be happy to amend the source.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said

‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?

‘Patrick Henry, 1775′ he said.

‘Very good!

Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F ___ the Indians,’

‘Who said that?’ she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer,1862.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m going to puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’

Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997′

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,

‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, ‘Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008

Source – Forwarded email. If you claim to be the author, please drop a note, will be happy to amend the source.

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’.
Customer: ‘OK’.
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’.
Customer: ‘No’.
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No’.
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’.
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
———————————————————————-
Tech Support: ‘OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer: ‘Wow. How can you see my screen from there?’
———————————————————————-
Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?’.
———————————————————————- ——————————————-
There’s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’
Operator: ‘Went away?’
Caller: ‘They disappeared.’
Operator: ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller: ‘Nothing.’
Operator: ‘Nothing??’
Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’
Caller: ‘How do I tell?’
Operator: ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’
Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’
Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’
Caller: ‘I don’t know.’
Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’
Caller: ‘No.’
Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’
Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’
Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator: ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’
Caller: ‘No.’
Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’
Caller: ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’
Operator: ‘Dark??’
Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller: ‘I can’t.’
Operator: ‘No? Why not??’
Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator: ‘A power……… A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’
Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’
Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too bloody stupid to own a computer!!!!!’

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he couldn’t tell anybody.

The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull’s balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

The next morning the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter promptly replied, “Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!”